I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
