i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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