Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The power of my boobs compel you
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
