i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
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