i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
