Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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