I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
