Your mouth is God's brothel.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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