Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
