i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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