Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
