Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
