Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
