Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
