dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
