Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
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We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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