My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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