Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
