I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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