I just threw up on my dentist
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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