Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
