Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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