I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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