Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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