i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
