I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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