At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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