If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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