Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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