Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
