dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
