Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
