Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
