Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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