There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
