i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
