I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
