I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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