i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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