420 ftw
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
