saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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