benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
