I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
