She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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