I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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