Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
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he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
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I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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