just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
