I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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