His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
