Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
