A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
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She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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