I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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