My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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