Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
