I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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