I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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