dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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