that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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