the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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