You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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